Last year I found myself lost and confused. I started this blog, but as you can see, I didn’t do a very good job keeping up with it. This year, ironically around the same exact time of year, I’m stuck feeling lost inside of myself again.
Maybe it’s the summer season. Summer used to be so special. It was a time of year that I looked forward to for MONTHS. I had the best group of friends growing up. There were about 12 or 15 of us. We met in Kindergarten, and we somehow managed to stay like a tight knit little family well into college. Growing up was a blast. Summers consisted of friend time almost 24/7.
It was the perfect schedule, and I’d give anything to go back to those simple and fun days. We’d wake up around noon, throw on bathing suits, and head straight to the park pool. We’d arrive before the life guards even got there and we would walk out with them as they closed the pool down for the day around 5 or 6 pm. We’d go home and eat supper, all the while planning what we were going to do that night. There used to be so many options. We lived at each other’s houses having movie and game nights. Fires were a popular choice! Smores, camp pies; one time we even made corn on the cob on the fire together and made it into a meal.
When it got dark, the real fun started: flashlight tag. My friends all lived in the same development, along with a bunch of other kids around our age. Having three friends that lived right in a row, we’d use all three yards for hiding. There were 20, if not more of us. The swing set was base. “The pelican is in the washing machine” was code that the person that was “it” wasn’t around base, and it was safe to go set everyone free that had been tagged. We’d play until after midnight, and then sit around on the swings and hang out until our parents made us go home.
We played ultimate football one summer. We’d go to the drive-inn at least once a week when we turned 16 and were able to drive. There wasn’t a movie that I didn’t see back then. The Ranger was our favorite ice cream place because it also had a mini golf course attached. Our possibilities felt endless. If it rained, we’d head to Richland Lanes for Rock-N-Glow, bowling from midnight to 3am when they’d shut all the lights off and blast music. When we got home for the night, we’d get on AOL and chat way into the middle of the night. I still remember my screen name – candy66r. (It was during my Aaron Carter phase and “I Want Candy” was my favorite.)
Anyway, summers used to be so fun. There was so much to look forward to, and not one night that I could say I was bored or lonely. Now? I really only know it’s summer because the Weather Channel and my Facebook newsfeed full of vacation pictures tells me so.
I’m doing a program called AmeriCorps, and that means that I was placed at an elementary school to work, serving from August to June. A summer off?! I was so excited, I didn’t even look for employment for those two to three months that I’m off (despite what my bank account said I should have done). I couldn’t wait to take advantage of this opportunity to have a real summer one more time before I hopefully start a career next year after finishing AmeriCorps.
However, I find myself just sitting around, thinking. No flashlight tag, no pool parties with friends, nothing. I didn’t even do anything I was planning on doing, and we’re over halfway through the summer. I wanted to focus on publishing poems, get back together with my group of friends, go on trips and vacations. I’ve done none of that. Sometimes I swim with my cousin at my aunt’s house, and thank god for that. Sometimes myself and the four friends I have left out of that group will head to the Ranger or the drive-inn.
We all know it’s not the same. We’ve grown up, and we realized that our possibilities were definitely not endless. On the slim chance that we can get together around busy schedules, there’s nothing really to do. I miss the innocence of being a kid and being excited for summer.
This post got way off track! Anyway, I feel lost, and I’m not sure what I’m doing with myself – still. AmeriCorps is a nice way to put all of the stress off for two years, but that will be ending after this coming school year and then I really have to get my shit together. I still haven’t done anything with my writing other than force my boyfriend to read a few poems here or there, but I really want to. I want people to know my name. I want my writing to be out there. Maybe this really should be the first step, this blog. Maybe I never should have stopped last year. I thought my posts were boring and dumb, but looking back at them, they weren’t too bad.
I got on here just out of curiosity today, and I still have five followers! I actually think that’s more than when I was posting blogs last year. I think I’ll give this another shot. I was never really one to quit things, even if it took me a while to come back to something. I still don’t know what I’m going to blog about, or if anyone out there even cares, but I’m excited to try this again. Wish me luck!
Written In The Dark 